Combatting Negativity

Combatting Negativity

I would like to talk about the importance of eliminating negative self-talk. It occurs in our minds when we are feeling upset about past problems or feelings, and compulsively obsess on them, instead of solutions. Our minds are a little overloaded, as we spend much of our time listening to our negative chatterbox, allowing the past worries and feelings and stories to control the present. When this happens, we might experience a lot of worry, as a result. When we encounter big changes in our lives, our past is triggered, and we really start to struggle. But there is good news! There are simple ways to combat this negative self- chatter. You can’t control it simply by telling yourself no, because it is still there. Think of your negative chatterbox as a small child, whining for attention. If you ignore him, he will simply scream louder. Ignoring or distracting yourself from the child will not make it quiet down. This is the same way it is with negative chatterboxes.  They must be acknowledged, simply saying “ill be with you in a minute,” will help it to calm down. You must manage your thoughts and really take charge. If you don’t, you will feel tremendous amounts of anger, anxiety, and depression. Don’t allow your past to continue dictating your life, follow these five simple suggestions.

1. Don’t Swear! Swear words are the basis of what we tell ourselves. These shaming words and beliefs dictate our thoughts and feelings. They aren’t the ones you have been warned about, but they’re toxic. Lets go over the list of ten, so you can know what you’re looking for.

*Should- I should, you should and the world should

*Ought- I ought to, you ought to, and the world ought to

*Must- I must, you must, and the world must

These three are all rather similar in nature. They put a lot of pressure on you and require you live life in the way you SHOULD OUGHT TO OR MUST not in the way you want to, or could.

*Supposed to

*You Make me feel! This is the easiest way to avoid responsibility. This swear word affirms to you, that you are a victim to your surroundings

*What if bad?!  When we sit and worry about all the horrible things that could happen, we spend too much time catastrophising over things that have not and most likely will not happen. The anxiety that this swear word brings is very dangerous. A healthy way to combat this is by proclaiming to yourself,  “the past is not a predictor of the future, and I choose to live today.”

*Condemning and damning both yourself and others. This really dissipates all hope in yourself and others.

*I can’t stand it!!!

*Maximizing the problems, make them appear larger than they really are.

*I am bad and not worth it.

*All or nothing thinking- 99% nothing

These words can become psychological addictions, and will manifest through physical pains. So it’s important that we stop justifying our thoughts in our minds, and begin processing them.

2. Learn how to Breath- Increasing oxygen levels benefit our abilities to think clearly and feel more relaxed. I suggest breathing as deeply as possible, and counting backwards from ten, slowly releasing the air. This will help calm and release stress. Do this ten times! Repetition is vital!

3. Positive Proclamations- It is very important to say them morning, noon, and night! We need to stop proclaiming the negative thoughts and swear words, and find positive thoughts to replace them with. My personal favorite is I don’t like it, that’s okay, I can stand it anyway! Its very important to say them 25 times, OUT LOUD, because the repetition allows the neurons to move around and create new pathways. Its normal for the first eight to feel like lies. That’s okay, and normal, because you are building new thought pathways! The second set of eight have a real calming effect. The final set, help us realize that, hey! This stuff actually works! Saying positive proclamations will dramatically increase your frustration tolerance, and help you to keep a clear more positive outlook.

4. Talk to a Doctor if necessary. Not everyone will need this, but they can help you find medications that will help you.

5. Come into therapy! It is very beneficial! We all carry deep-rooted feelings of anger and depression; therapy will equip you with skills to combat them! Overcome your anxiety so you are not impeded by it in the future.

Anyone can receive therapy! I accept clients 14+ because all ages have challenges, and a past! Join the practice!

It is no longer necessary to live in the grasp of negative thinking. There are ways to release, let go, and move forward. Navigating your mind into a peaceful happier state.

Kristopher

Author of the book:

Navigating Your Mind: Achieving a Life of Peace, Joy and Happiness

Available at:

Amazon.com

Barns and Noble or BarnsandNoble.com

Nook and Kindle additions

NavigatingYourMind.com

Living with Boundaries

Loving with Boundaries is Living

Its sure difficult to set boundaries, I mean where and how do you even start?!  First, lets set the basis for what a boundary even is. A boundary is a way to protect yourself from outside sources, "its where i stop, where you begin. " They aren't literal walls, but an insulation of space, that is your own. Setting boundaries is the only way to protect and keep your individuality. In relationships, they must be set, based on each individual.  Its time to start taking responsibility for our lives and how we respond to our experiences. Its time to get serious, its wasted time to be a victim to outside sources. This is, of course, easier said than done. We need to really review how a person even defends boundaries, effectively and healthily. Don't be fooled, it isn't mean to set up ground rules, its good! Every classroom has rules and so must every relationship. In the book Navigating Your Mind, Kris reviews six different situations of boundary violations. Lets review:

1. Being too responsible for others' behaviors and actions.

This means taking control and responsibility for another person to gain power over the dependent person.

2. Taking on the feelings or emotions around you.

This is when you blame your moods or feelings on another person. This is the basis of codependency, not being real and responsible for your feelings and needs, but taking on the feelings of others.

3. Pleasing others by being a victim.

Sacrificing your healthy boundaries to be accepted by and invader. Passivity! Refusing to rock the boat to keep others happy.

4. Saying yes when you want to say NO!

Giving time energy and talents to others to be loved. This is based on the fear that saying no, will lose others admiration and love.

5. Unable to express needs or wants.

Too afraid or unaware to ask for what  you need.

6. Overstepping other peoples boundaries.

Invader! Many times the invaded person will turn and invade another.

There are a lot of different ways up there to ponder. Think about your own tendencies! I for one, struggle to say no. I can barely choke out a no, I need to go to bed, no I need to take care of me, no I already have plans, because I am so fixated on the lie that admiration and love is based on my answer of Yes. If I get asked on a date, I will instinctively say yes, even if I don't want to go. I fear that if I say no, that person will stop caring about me. That may be true, but it isn't noble or kind of me to lead them on, because frankly Im lying to them!  Along with this, I tend to take others feelings upon me. Im so aware of their feelings, that i simply have to give them what they want, or i feel awful. Thats a sick cycle of codependency if you ask me. But one day i became aware of my problem. I was going absolutely 100 mph, i had almost two or three dates a day. This is a dream of many high school teenage girls, but it turned into a nightmare. I had many of my own responsibilities with work, church, family, hobbies, etc. I anticipated my flood of dates would help me feel extra special and loved, but Oh Contraire Pierre. I felt used and exhausted. Realizing that I had turned myself into a tool for other people, I finally understood something had to change. But I was still shy on saying no. I did however have a really great archive of excuses, And usually they were legitimate! I was/am good at pretending like i am always having a great time, but i was running out of fake smiles and laughs. Frankly i was burned out. I knew i had to change, but i didn't want to end up empty handed, until i realized the power over my life, lies in me! I dont need those boys to feel love, i need me to love self... and thats when it busted out of me, NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ENOUGH IM TIRED ENOUGH! NO! YES I CARE ABOUT YOU! NO I CANT BE EVERYTHING FOR YOU!!!!!! 

Its still really hard for me to say no OUT LOUD. Im practicing in my mind, but thats frankly not going to be enough. I didn't realize how badly I want to be passive and stay on everyones good side. I guess that comes back to the fact that i'm afraid i have to be liked to be okay. It seems when you're liked, that the pain of your dishonesty is maybe not there. But it certainly is. 

The other day I was at work, and Kris started bopping me on the head. Over and over and over again. And each time he hit me, I shrunk lower and lower until I was cowering with my hands over my head, silently. It was hurting, but i didn't have the courage to stay stop. I had ZERO boundaries. I was finally coaxed to stand up and put my hands up. But even still, i keep them right in front of my face and said stop, while stepping backwards. Even though i put up a boundary...it was sucky. I was taught to stick my hands out, in front of my heart and mind, and say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Stepping forward with confidence and courage.  I am practicing, but its scary. I am realizing that i don't need to set boundaries on my oppressors, but myself, and thats when i would be protected. The only person that is going to love me and actually care about me is ME!! Its time to change my perception and rise up to the power that i have. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am worth it. I am not a victim. I AM PROTECTED BECAUSE I LOVE ME!

I am so interested in you sharing your thoughts and feelings with boundaries! What are you finding about yourself? What are ways that have helped you? Did this blog help you? Please share, but keep it appropriate as this blog is a public site:) 

Forgiving and Releasing

Forgiving and Releasing

 Forgiveness, the most beautiful thing that we deserve for ourselves, because withholding it, only hurts us. When we don’t forgive we are really allowing others to control us, this causes a lot of emotional chaos. Internalizing rotten and old feelings of anger chains us to the painful past, but when we let go, we can reclaim. Of course there is a process of forgiveness, one cannot simply “get over it” but the goal is to work through the situation, and let it pass through us. Many people have experienced a lot of abuse, (emotional, physical, mental, and sexual) and granted it’s hard to let -go, but if we don’t, we are controlled by our abuser (s), which is an outside source. When we get angry and stuck in the process of feeling, it’s hard to let -go of the pain and negativity. We feel absolutely awful… and we want them to suffer as much as we have. Its interesting how strongly we believe that revenge and control of those who harm us, will bring us peace. Somehow we think it’s our personal job and duty to change their minds, and convince them that they hurt us. When we engage in a fight we are trying to convince the other person they hurt us. Once you unload these feelings, you might feel like you can walk away from these feelings for a moment, but one trigger and it all comes back. At some point in time we have to decide, enough is enough, its time to stop the cycle, enough trying to change others perceptions and controlling their behavior. When you don’t forgive, it’s hard to feel your actual feelings, because you’re emotionally constipated with anger, sadness, and hurt. Once you clear it, you can see it. Let go! Enough of the victim [all your fault] or martyr [all my fault] thoughts. We all have the opportunity to change our feelings by changing our thoughts. Focus on the negative emotions for 2-minutes and then, out loud; force yourself to say, “I don’t like it. That’s okay. I CAN STAND IT ANYWAY.” Do this exercise 25-times in the morning, midday and before you go to bed. Changing how you think, will allow you to forgive. It’s so important that you do this, because you’re the one who has to pay the price (anxiety, depression, anger, etc.). If you don’t face the facts, you will self-soothe with self-harm: sexual acting out, alcohol, drugs, screen-time or other physically or emotional distractions to avoid the feelings and painful memories.

Its time to believe in yourself and capacity to overcome painful past experiences and find what you really want out of life: Forgiveness and letting-go. Think more about what you really want, relief and peace, think more and feel less. Keep in mind the point is NOT to remove the emotion, but to simultaneously think about the emotion while you re experiencing it. No more using feelings for justification. Exercise your right to choose and say to yourself this positive proclamation, “I forgive you, I forgive the situation, and I let it go. I have peace in my mind joy in my heart and happiness in my family and my life.” Feel 10% more than you think you can stand, hang on to that emotion for 2 minutes and then kick in the positive proclamation, out loud, until you can manage. Practice, so you can learn to release emotions, neither stuffing nor holding. Remember that forgiveness is a learning process, but it is something you can give. Take time to recognize your own errors and apologize.  This might prompt the other person to apologize in return, but it also may not. Frankly, it’s irrelevant how they respond because it’s not your job to control how they react. Once you can forgive and stop trying to control the situation, you can let it go. Take time to examine your life, for things or people that you need to forgive. It can be intimidating, but forgiveness helps you to learn. Once you have forgiven, write it down in your Success Journal (a place to record your accomplishments). In the future, it will be a helpful tool to remember how you managed past situation to assist with future problems. Be sure to offer gratitude to your experiences and acknowledge the lessons you learned. Perhaps you learned empathy and compassion and you are now better able to help others. Or maybe you simply learned about yourself and what boundaries you need to set. The lessons are limitless, but can’t be uncovered until you begin the healing process of forgiveness.

Kristopher

Author of the book:

Navigating Your Mind: Achieving a Life of Peace, Joy and Happiness

Available at:

Amazon.com

Barns and Noble or BarnsandNoble.com

Nook and Kindle additions

NavigatingYourMind.com

Why is it so easy and so tempting to hold onto our negative thoughts and emotions?

It seems more logical that we would release those things that hurt us, yet we cannot let them go. 

This is due to constipation...emotional constipation. 

I would like to tell you a little about my experiences. First of all I think i should introduce myself. I am an eighteen year old girl, im no professional, but i am experiencing life, a life full of rocky emotions and intense feelings. I am learning to discover the real me, its a work in progress, but thats the thing, its progress! It sure hurts, and im scared, but i have a fervent desire to find peace and tranquility. There is no use to try acting like a martyr or a victim anymore, because those things are false sacrifices for OTHER people. But i want to live for myself, because those people will come and go, but i wont. So i might as well start living for me, i WANT to discover me. So here it goes....Every time someone or something breaks my heart, i bite my tongue and try to deal with the pain. Im trying so desperately to be responsible with how i deal with my emotions, that i fear i sometimes miss the point. I can address my feelings but its discovering comfortable and comforting ways of doing so. Sometimes i don't feel ready or safe to cry, or to talk, but for some reason, the arts are always safe places for me to turn. The tension i feel inside me, that im afraid to let go of, [because it stands as a barrier between me and connection] is released when i draw, or sing, or play the piano. Those are places of safe expression, not the expression of my false self, but my true talents and loves. When i was little, i always turned to anger as a way of relieving myself from the discomfort, but I began to feel that the outbursts were irresponsible and harmful to others. So in response i decided to hold onto those feelings, with all the grit i had, i would not scream at my mom again, i would not yell and lose control again! However my emotions were still there, regardless of my recognition. My feelings of anger have since turned into anxiety. I  used to think that anger was a worse coping mechanism because it hurts more people. Not so. Anxiety removes me from others, it consumes my thoughts and i become rather selfish. So why am i saying all this? Because there are unthreatening ways of expression that can coax us out of our removed disconnected facade. Art is a way for me to find me, without feeling nervous that other people will, before i'm ready. It's okay if you aren't ready to share who you really are yet, but i had to take a leap of faith to at least trust myself. Writing in a journal is a very beneficial way for me to connect my mind, heart, and body together. I literally feel the angry emotions leave my hand. Now i'm not trying to claim that you don't need to feel your feelings, or confront people, or whatever else there is. I am simply stating that there is a way of beginning the process. Because when i sing or draw, i can feel whatever i want, because its something i can call my own. Maybe art isn't the way for you. If you have never tried dancing or singing or drawing or writing, i would suggest giving it a shot. If that just doesn't speak to you, try something else! Anything that you feel drawn to or passionate about. Animals have a tremendous ability to help me work through my feelings! When i need someone to listen, i go to my horse. I promise  you, emotional constipation isn't really worth it, yeah it's worked for a while, but the discomfort will get worse. Affirm to yourself that you are lovable and acceptable, and simply try, try to uncover the real you, and realease those toxins! 

Take Time to Vacation!

Take time to vacation

Today I would like to talk about the necessity of vacationing. It’s important to take a break and spend time with your family. When you are overworked, with too much to do, you may notice a change in your sleep pattern, sleeping too much during the day, or not sleeping at nights. There is too much to do, and with all the things going on in the world, without a break, stress can take a toll on our minds and bodies. We are more likely to get sick, have accidents and complications, and feel depressed or anxious or irritable. In fact we can even encounter memory problems. Many other countries work fewer hours and have more weeks of vacation. A friend of mine in Canada receives eight weeks off per year. Mexicans are privy to a siesta break everyday! You can accomplish more in a reasonable 40 hour week than you can in a 50-60 hour week. Working longer, to the point of burn out, disconnects families and can take a toll of affects relationships with children and spouses. It’s important to learn how to relax and have fun with each other. Schedule activities because there’s tons to do. Teenagers and children may commit to vacations begrudgingly at first, but the time spent together will create lasting memories.

         Vacations don’t always run smoothly! Families will experience some contention, agitation, and irritation. My dad used to take my family on long car ride excursions; I remember the fights and silly jokes the most! They are fond memories now, even if they were trying at the time. Creating memories in the past allow joy in the present. Vacations help you get to know yourself, your likes and dislikes, strengths and strains. My family recently undertook a high ropes course, 60 feet in the air. All of us learned to help each other through, and we felt closer afterwards. The goal is to get out there and try things you normally would not do. Vacation doesn’t always mean relaxing on a beach, but taking new adventures, spending time outside, and experiencing quality time with family. There are even opportunities within, for mini vacations. Take a child aside and do something special with him/her alone. We must bond with different kids, in different times, with familiar but different activities. Allow each experience to become a memorable moment or a silly joke, no matter how simple or irritating!

        

The main point, is to take your children out and experience life with them, visit a museum, do something artsy, something out of the ordinary. Teach them about the world by visiting it. Take the time so you don’t miss out on these experiences. Build up memories now, with all family members and both parents.  Some families may encounter difficulties with a work-aholic mom or dad. That can be discouraging and disheartening, but you can still have fun. And remember, you can’t have a perfect vacation all the time, and that’s okay, the important thing is getting out and making those precious memories! You will need them, as centerpieces for reflection.  Vacations create health benefits both emotionally and physically. Even those stuck in routine need time to reset and relax their bodies. Sleep in if you can! Its okay! Learn to let go and disconnect from electronics. Playing simple board or card games with your kids allow huge connections between you. This summer, learn to relax and take time with your families. Work less with less stress.

Kristopher

Author of the book:

Navigating Your Mind: Achieving a Life of Peace, Joy and Happiness

Available at:

Amazon.com

Barns and Noble or BarnsandNoble.com

Nook and Kindle additions

NavigatingYourMind.com

Welcome to our new blog, Navigating your Mind, achieving a life of Peace, Joy and Happiness. Kristopher L. Walton, psychotherapist, author, and keynote speaker, will share tools for finding emotional healing and health! 

His book Navigating you Mind can be found in book stores nation wide and will teach you how to:

• Overcome any past, present, or future relationship problems

• Let go of old pain, anger, anxiety, and fear

• Reclaim yourself and rediscover interests and passions

• Create meaningful connections with yourself and others

• Experience greater peace of mind, joy in your heart, and happiness in your family and life!

You CAN achieve the life you want!