Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Why is it so easy and so tempting to hold onto our negative thoughts and emotions?

It seems more logical that we would release those things that hurt us, yet we cannot let them go. 
This is due to constipation...emotional constipation. 
I would like to tell you a little about my experiences. First of all I think i should introduce myself. I am an eighteen year old girl, im no professional, but i am experiencing life, a life full of rocky emotions and intense feelings. I am learning to discover the real me, its a work in progress, but thats the thing, its progress! It sure hurts, and im scared, but i have a fervent desire to find peace and tranquility. There is no use to try acting like a martyr or a victim anymore, because those things are false sacrifices for OTHER people. But i want to live for myself, because those people will come and go, but i wont. So i might as well start living for me, i WANT to discover me. So here it goes....Every time someone or something breaks my heart, i bite my tongue and try to deal with the pain. Im trying so desperately to be responsible with how i deal with my emotions, that i fear i sometimes miss the point. I can address my feelings but its discovering comfortable and comforting ways of doing so. Sometimes i don't feel ready or safe to cry, or to talk, but for some reason, the arts are always safe places for me to turn. The tension i feel inside me, that im afraid to let go of, [because it stands as a barrier between me and connection] is released when i draw, or sing, or play the piano. Those are places of safe expression, not the expression of my false self, but my true talents and loves. When i was little, i always turned to anger as a way of relieving myself from the discomfort, but I began to feel that the outbursts were irresponsible and harmful to others. So in response i decided to hold onto those feelings, with all the grit i had, i would not scream at my mom again, i would not yell and lose control again! However my emotions were still there, regardless of my recognition. My feelings of anger have since turned into anxiety. I  used to think that anger was a worse coping mechanism because it hurts more people. Not so. Anxiety removes me from others, it consumes my thoughts and i become rather selfish. So why am i saying all this? Because there are unthreatening ways of expression that can coax us out of our removed disconnected facade. Art is a way for me to find me, without feeling nervous that other people will, before i'm ready. It's okay if you aren't ready to share who you really are yet, but i had to take a leap of faith to at least trust myself. Writing in a journal is a very beneficial way for me to connect my mind, heart, and body together. I literally feel the angry emotions leave my hand. Now i'm not trying to claim that you don't need to feel your feelings, or confront people, or whatever else there is. I am simply stating that there is a way of beginning the process. Because when i sing or draw, i can feel whatever i want, because its something i can call my own. Maybe art isn't the way for you. If you have never tried dancing or singing or drawing or writing, i would suggest giving it a shot. If that just doesn't speak to you, try something else! Anything that you feel drawn to or passionate about. Animals have a tremendous ability to help me work through my feelings! When i need someone to listen, i go to my horse. I promise  you, emotional constipation isn't really worth it, yeah it's worked for a while, but the discomfort will get worse. Affirm to yourself that you are lovable and acceptable, and simply try, try to uncover the real you, and realease those toxins! 

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