Forgiveness, the most beautiful
thing that we deserve for ourselves, because withholding it, only hurts us.
When we don’t forgive we are really allowing others to control us, this causes
a lot of emotional chaos. Internalizing rotten and old feelings of anger chains
us to the painful past, but when we let go, we can reclaim. Of course there is
a process of forgiveness, one cannot simply “get over it” but the goal is to
work through the situation, and let it pass through us. Many people have experienced
a lot of abuse, (emotional, physical, mental, and sexual) and granted it’s hard
to let -go, but if we don’t, we are controlled by our abuser (s), which is an
outside source. When we get angry and stuck in the process of feeling, it’s
hard to let -go of the pain and negativity. We feel absolutely awful… and we
want them to suffer as much as we have. Its interesting how strongly we believe
that revenge and control of those who harm us, will bring us peace. Somehow we
think it’s our personal job and duty to change their minds, and convince them
that they hurt us. When we engage in a fight we are trying to convince the
other person they hurt us. Once you unload these feelings, you might feel like
you can walk away from these feelings for a moment, but one trigger and it all
comes back. At some point in time we have to decide, enough is enough, its time
to stop the cycle, enough trying to change others perceptions and controlling
their behavior. When you don’t forgive, it’s hard to feel your actual feelings,
because you’re emotionally constipated with anger, sadness, and hurt. Once you
clear it, you can see it. Let go! Enough of the victim [all your fault] or martyr
[all my fault] thoughts. We all have the opportunity to change our feelings by
changing our thoughts. Focus on the negative emotions for 2-minutes and then,
out loud; force yourself to say, “I don’t like it. That’s okay. I CAN STAND IT
ANYWAY.” Do this exercise 25-times in the morning, midday and before you go to
bed. Changing how you think, will allow you to forgive. It’s so important that
you do this, because you’re the one who has to pay the price (anxiety,
depression, anger, etc.). If you don’t face the facts, you will self-soothe with
self-harm: sexual acting out, alcohol, drugs, screen-time or other physically
or emotional distractions to avoid the feelings and painful memories.
Its time to believe in yourself and
capacity to overcome painful past experiences and find what you really want out
of life: Forgiveness and letting-go. Think more about what you really want,
relief and peace, think more and feel less. Keep in mind the point is NOT to
remove the emotion, but to simultaneously think about the emotion while you re
experiencing it. No more using feelings for justification. Exercise your right
to choose and say to yourself this positive proclamation, “I forgive you, I
forgive the situation, and I let it go. I have peace in my mind joy in my heart
and happiness in my family and my life.” Feel 10% more than you think you can
stand, hang on to that emotion for 2 minutes and then kick in the positive
proclamation, out loud, until you can manage. Practice, so you can learn to
release emotions, neither stuffing nor holding. Remember that forgiveness is a
learning process, but it is something you can give. Take time to recognize your
own errors and apologize. This might
prompt the other person to apologize in return, but it also may not. Frankly,
it’s irrelevant how they respond because it’s not your job to control how they
react. Once you can forgive and stop trying to control the situation, you can
let it go. Take time to examine your life, for things or people that you need
to forgive. It can be intimidating, but forgiveness helps you to learn. Once
you have forgiven, write it down in your Success Journal (a place to record
your accomplishments). In the future, it will be a helpful tool to remember how
you managed past situation to assist with future problems. Be sure to offer
gratitude to your experiences and acknowledge the lessons you learned. Perhaps
you learned empathy and compassion and you are now better able to help others.
Or maybe you simply learned about yourself and what boundaries you need to set.
The lessons are limitless, but can’t be uncovered until you begin the healing
process of forgiveness.
Kristopher
Author of the book:
Navigating Your Mind: Achieving a Life of
Peace, Joy and Happiness
Available at:
Amazon.com
Barns and Noble or
BarnsandNoble.com
Nook and Kindle additions
NavigatingYourMind.com
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